


something strange happened here

by wishyouweresober



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Eating Disorder, Eating Disorders, Heavy Angst, please be careful when reading this yall, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:21:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24172750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wishyouweresober/pseuds/wishyouweresober
Summary: The slight ache in his protruding ribs was still as present as ever, brought out more by the emptiness of his stomach. The newfound emptiness, of course. It hung over him like a heavy cloud. Filled with rain and yet not a drop exposed.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 20





	something strange happened here

**Author's Note:**

> MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING////  
> eating disorder  
> anorexia
> 
> <3 sorry for this im sorry if it triggered anyone tell me and i'll delete it  
> tbh i? dk if i should post it but for now i will?  
> be careful. ur beautiful ly

His mind was fuzzy and he could feel his conscious thoughts  _ drip, drip, dripping _ out of his head as his fingers wrapped around his wrist and there was a slight gap. A slight  _ barely _ there space between the connected fingers and the skin. He saw the bones that jutted out after a while, but it seemed never enough for that yearning in his head.

The slight ache in his protruding ribs was still as present as ever, brought out more by the emptiness of his stomach. The newfound emptiness, of course. It hung over him like a heavy cloud. Filled with rain and yet not a drop exposed. 

His friends were concerned. He saw it with their stares and their looks and “ _ Alex, you can have it. I’m not that hungry _ ” despite their eager eyes. 

_ He’d rejected it each time, of course. _

After a while it hadn’t seemed to hurt as much. The striking pain and dizziness that came with the hunger and malnourishment faded into bliss and the taste of success on his tongue. His fingers  _ tap, tap, tapped _ on the notebook next to him. His fingers, as chubby and big and  _ fucking fat _ as ever. His notebook covered from page to page in numbers that played over and over in his head.

There really wasn’t a moment where those numbers left his brain. Not when he was speaking to his father-  _ unbiological, that one that left before he even knew him- _ and not when he was working and not ever. Not ever, not ever. Never. His breaths were shaky, his thoughts were heavy. He slowly dragged his aching body to the shower and avoided any glances at the mirror hung above the porcelain sink as he stripped himself. Exposing  _ fat, fat, fat. _

There was his toothbrush sitting innocently on the counter, right beside the sink and freshly washed. There was the toilet seat that was up and freshly flushed. He shuddered at the thought of the blood and puke that had just minutes before stained it like ink on a fresh page. 

Showers were a twisted bliss, momentary ease of the ache in his stomach and throat. Right as he got out, the reality hit him like a brick. 

He moved on. Moved and worked and wrote and  _ pushed _ himself until he woke up in his bed with no recollection of previous days.

His parents stared down at him with unreadable looks. Disappointment, regret, hate, he couldn’t tell. He sat up and felt the familiar pain of his stomach screaming at him, left ignored like usual. He tried to listen, tried to hear their words but  _ all _ he could make out was  _ “malnourished”  _ and  _ “thin” _ and for some reason that inspired him to keep trying. 

He glanced at his fingers and saw  _ fat, fat, fat. _

That told him well enough that he wasn’t done.

He’d never be done.


End file.
